The Miles: May 2015

I remember it had been a long, exhausting Monday. I'd had to stay an hour late for work, I was pregnant, and my cankles were out in full force, and I was just so happy to be going home.

I gratefully got on the elevator with an older gentleman. I must have had a somewhat subdued and less-than-thrilled expression on my face, because he turned to me, a complete stranger, and said something along the lines of, "Oh come one, you can smile, it can't be that bad."

I must have given a courteous half-smile, which was probably all I could muster, and we both went our separate ways when we got to the lobby.

Now, I know this guy was completely well-intentioned. I know he was probably just trying to make me feel better....somehow. But the more I thought about it, the more sure I became that if I had been a man, he wouldn't have said anything at all. He would have just let me be. He probably would have assumed I'd had an important business deal that had gone south, maybe I'd just gotten off a long conference call. I don't think he would have told Brody to cheer up and smile. But being a young woman, I'm supposed to be perky and cheerful. I'm supposed to give him a big, bright smile when I get on the elevator.

I know that's me being extra sensitive. I know he meant well, really I do. But stuff like this happens all the time and after a while it's just grating. At my first full-time job after college I had this one co-worker, a much older married man with lots of kids and a wife at home. He would linger at my desk way longer than was welcome. He would make comments about my appearance that he wouldn't have said in front of his wife in a million years. And I never said anything. I always played it off as a joke, not wanting to stir the pot. I never reported him to HR and by my inaction, I taught this perv that it was okay to treat women that way. And I still haven't forgiven myself for it. I hate this man. To this day, I use the word hate with as much venom as I can ascribe to describe my feelings towards him. My skin would crawl when he was near me. I was actually uncomfortable in the workplace because of him and I let him get away with it. So yes, because of that experience, I'm probably extra sensitive to sexism. But never again. The other day when a different male co-worker described a couple of the guys in the office as "...working with a bunch of girls". I quickly reprimanded him "You say that as though it's a bad thing!" I absolutely put him in his place, and he probably thinks I'm a real word-that-rhymes-with-witch now. And I'm more than okay with that if it means he stops using that completely sexist expression. At my last job there was a creeper guy that used to address a bunch of the girls in the office as My ____, like my Mary or my Suzie but every guy in the office was Mr. _______. Really!? Not to mention he did things and said things to some of the girls that was absolutely sexual harassment, so we reported him to HR. Recently, I applied for a job that I was more than qualified for, and even according to the guy that interviewed me I was, and I quote, "...practically perfect in every way." Just like Mary Poppins. But because I have a one-year-old at home, and I'm a woman, I didn't get the job. He basically told me that in so many words when he explained to me that they were going with someone else. I doubt Brody will ever get passed up for a job because he has a child at home.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful I live in a place like the US and at a time when women have such incredible opportunities. Thanks to amazing women in the past, like my own mother, I have so much at my fingertips and have enjoyed a life full of amazing experiences and opportunities. But that doesn't mean we can't do better.

I am a feminist. That doesn't mean I burn bras on the weekend and hate men, really it doesn't. It means that I believe women should be free to choose for themselves. If you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, more power to you. If you choose to start your own company, go for it. It means I believe that I should get payed just as much as a man for doing the same job. It doesn't mean I don't love it when a guy opens the door for me. It just means I believe in equality...that's about it. So I don't understand when and why the word feminist got such a negative connotation. But I feel like it's finally starting to come back around and people are becoming more educated on what it actually means to be a feminist and it's exciting.